Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
What flavor cupcake are these
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.