formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
You Might Also Like
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.