Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.