I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
What an awful time to have common sense.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?