If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.