No point crayon over spilled milk.
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain