Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Am I having a stroke?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”