[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago