I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”