“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You Might Also Like
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Lmao
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: