Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.