IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.