Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here