just make the entire table out of coaster
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?