I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Worth the read.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
estão todos miauvindo?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner