If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Every time my phone rings
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.