Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit