Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants