Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
You Might Also Like
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
i will not be silenced
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!