Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.