Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!