Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.