Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Perfection.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
It鈥檚 at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you鈥檝e been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him