My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode