“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.