if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table