[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
brian had himself a morning…
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Did…did a minotaur write this
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me