WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You Might Also Like
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.