Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?