*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.