Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You Might Also Like
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
For anyone who needs this today
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]