GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
You Might Also Like
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.