me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”