how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
You Might Also Like
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Owl Sanctuary
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
(by @ZachWeiner )
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.