I’m not average. I’m mean.
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Why do meteors always land in craters?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*