Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.