Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.