I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!