Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs