Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
PLOT TWIST:
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.