The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
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“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.