The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Pigeon open mic night.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes