My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”