roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)