15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Somebody call the cops.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!