If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.