I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong