[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?