wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
christening a ship with an overripe banana
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”