I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
This meal prepping shit is easy
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.